I have fulfilled my lifelong dream of being Juliet.
It feels relevant, I shan’t lie.
I spent an hour of this evening sat next to my ex-boyfriend, who I should (I’m not going to say “hate”) make a point of avoiding for the camps that he has taken (which I decline to reveal, respectfully). I said “Thou art, thyself, though, not a Montague” and thought, whereas this is not entirely true, the politics of this man did not diminish the fact that he is good.
I cannot love him, but I did. I do. I laughed at him, quietly, thought him incongruous, obnoxious, but I love him.
However, I also love myself, and I know it is I that I must, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do part my soul from my body, honour and cherish, and owe primary duty to myself.
“Be bonny and buxom in bed and at board”. Randomly reminded of this old phrase from an old marriage service. “Bonny” and “buxom” do not mean what they mean now, in this context. From memory, one means “good”, and the other means “obedient”. I cannot guarantee this to my future husband – I am an enfant terrible, and a queen. I take no orders from no man.
Marriage vows. How many times repeated under my breath, staring at the ceiling. Different names. Some sounded truer than others – ultimately, none were.
Dear Future Husband, if you are reading this, know that my heart, I thought, loved. When I meet you, I shall know. I shall know with the conviction of a saint visited by the Holy Spirit. I shall be certain as the fact that the sun shall set tomorrow evening. My surety will dawn as the first morning on a world one day set to end with all the tragedy of all the world’s hearts that ever were, bruised, torn, and broken. Or perhaps the end of the world will be like the end of a Stravinsky symphony – glorious. Glorifying not that it ended, but that it happened.
We will go out with champagne, laughter, and kisses, like the New Year.
Until then, I will keep writing poems. I will perform monologues. I will fall in love with Life. I will teach Life to fall in love with itself, if it isn’t madly, lostly, truly already.
Thank you for your patience for waiting for the video 🙂
At Least Afloat 