Well, today is my last day being 21.
What have I learnt in my 21st year?
The eternal lesson that life tries (and hasn’t quite succeeded in) drilling into me is the ability to put my foot down and say “No.”
I think this is a common fault to all of us.
You know what, friends? I feel like I am somewhat better. I am braver, I write and say what I think more, and I boast less. I am less of a fool in matters of love. I learnt to be more organised. I keep my friends and family close, and I reproach myself and rectify the matter if I don’t succeed. I seek to be everything Rostand’s Cyrano de Bergerac was, but I will not let my perceived shortcomings hold me back. Christian will not stand between me and Roxane, and my fear of rejection will not stand between me and authenticity. I know my worth, and I do deserve well.
So, if I have learnt something, I have learnt my worth. I can’t guarantee I always remember it. Perhaps the best demonstration of it is the fact that I am still single – that I haven’t settled for what I consider to be untrue. It could also be that I am waiting for a man that I may wait a long time for. He is very much worth it. But the time shall not go idly by me, oh no.
Last year on the eve of my 21st my life was falling apart at uni and I was holding stuff together for those surrounding me who were also falling apart because I knew, if not me, then who? I am made of strong stuff – sometimes too strong. I woke up on the morning of my birthday and cried bitterly for the first time in nearly a year. And nobody heard, and nobody cared. And why? Because I told no one until very much later. And I still spent much of the day in service to others, for reasons I won’t go into. Did I pity myself? Yes. Adulthood is tough, but you don’t need to bear everyone else’s burdens. And it is ok to tell people you’re not ok. It’s ok not to be fiercely independent. I send a conflicting message here, so I will simplify:
You can’t share a glass with someone else that’s empty. You cannot pull someone out of a swamp that you yourself are drowning in.
I talk about fierce independence as today I was shopping and some oranges dropped out of my bag, then a packet of bacon. I let myself be helped by a gentleman standing by me initially, and then when the bacon dropped I raced to pick it up, embarrassed. Why should I be embarrassed? Why can’t I let someone be nice to me, who is “outrageously nice” to everyone else, for a change? It’s good to be independent, aye, but not to the point that you make yourself a fortified city-state! No person’s an island.
At work I got through a dozen more invoices, and was back and forth with the accountant with many questions. She is a saint. Our IT Manager is over from Spain now, too, for a few days, and it is fantastic to see him, he’s such a lovely man. It’s also all go with regards to planning the Christmas party – surveys for the menu have been created, and I have sent them out.
Another piece of good news is that the Ministry of the Interior have approved my Convention de Stage, and that I may now apply for a visa. (Score!)
And tomorrow, assuming I go to bed prontissimo, and even if I don’t, shall be a beautiful day 🙂
Hold your own, friends, but let your hands be held, too.
At Least Afloat 